Trying to deal with bereavement…and coping mechanisms…………

my five stages of grief.When my husband died and the funeral was over I realised that was it basically nearly 30 years of my life well sort of ended as i knew it. No more sharing moments with the same person, waking up to them, being with them, laughing with them, moaning at them, it was over.

Just how do you find the strength to carry on without a loved one when you just feel like throwing the duvet over your head and staying there and not facing anything. Anxiety levels going crazy.

They say the stages of the grief cycle has five parts to it.  Well believe me I am no stranger to the 5 stages of grief mine started when I realised I could no longer work or live as a normal person ever again, when this journey of mine with MS started. OK I had no idea what the matter was, the label was immaterial actually because the results were the same LABEL or NO LABEL. 

One day your working a job you love and you know your good at it, the next your wiling away your life on a recliner chair confused and feeling alone, as you cant understand why suddenly your life has just well fragmented and fallen apart. No more getting up excited for that day with your students, or working through copious amounts of paperwork to put into place a new qualification. No more challenging days, just days of drudgery, boredom, confusion and pain.

Oh my I loved my job so much, and i even met our local member of parliament who presented two of my students with a trophy for best students, I was responsible for their achievements because I cared enough to help them get through learning issues and do well in their chosen subjects which helped both of them move on to better things in life, that was the sort of person I was.

David Drew with my 2 learners I am on right facing.

Sadly I left all that behind on the 11th September 2006 no more would I help others to achieve their goals, as I was struggling even to achieve mine and that was a simple one to get out of bed to face another day.

Yes I went through the 5 stages of grief way back then.


When I lost my mother on the 21st February 2016 I was devastated she wasn’t meant to die the way she did, and leave her family too early even though she was 93, but I coped and I coped well because I had the support of my husband with me. That was the difference between her death and my husbands. My husband Mike helped me get through the dark days of my mothers passing.  He was amazing and always there for me.  That was the sort of man Mike was loving and caring to the people he loved the most.  He knew how much my mother meant to me.

So when I was suddenly faced with his death which was just not expected the pinball-1280-2-1-1495214597842_1280wshock of loosing my husband so quickly and all the subsequent events that came after just drove my illness onto a manic drive like some crazy pin ball machine, i was bounced from one emotion to another and every time i hit the sides the pain was horrific.

‘Normal functioning’ to start with was a must.  Just to get up in the morning was hard enough without a disease like MS, but getting up in the morning with MS was really difficult and waking up on my own was so hard I had no buffer, no one to turn too for comfort just emptiness and that bloody empty chair.

No more Mike to scream and shout at when my MS was driving me insane. The quiet in the house was almost deafening which made a change for me, as usually I would be assaulted every day by my Mike chatting ten to the dozen, 2 televisions going on full pelt all day and with MS comes some strange and weird symptoms people may have never heard of like Hypercusis.

The-problems-is3Now that is a beaut. How can noise make your ears feel as though they are going to bleed with pain.   Believe me when I was having a bad bout of this my poor hubby got it in the neck as it would make me really feel irritable and irrational I suppose us ladies could even liken it to a really bad case of PMT.

Now there was no noise. Just me. Just me feeling isolated and wretched. I would have sold my soul to the devil at one point just to be able to shout at my hubby again – bargaining.

I suddenly realised my journey with MS was now going to be on my own without the support of my husband. He had been with me right through the journey and would help me whenever he could.  Now I was facing it all on my own.  How scary was that really to suddenly realise your support network was gone. If you had a bad night trying to sleep in pain I knew he was there to help me.

The times I had attacks with my Transient Epileptic Amnesia where I forgot who I was and he took over and got me to the hospital, now I am frightened of waking up to literally nothing. If I have another attack on my own how will I know to get help it scares me.

For the first month after he died and his funeral, I blamed myself for his death. Perhaps if i had insisted he had the doctor out on the Sunday he would still be with me now.  I should have really told him straight I am getting the doctor out and that is that, but he made such a fuss about it, and getting into a state it was making him worse, so I left it, but made sure I kept an eye on his stats, and he did improve by Sunday evening.

I blame myself for not staying with him all day on the Monday whilst he was in hospital but he seemed so much better and wanted his family to visit and he knew with my MS it was too much for me, and he wanted me to go and rest.

I HATE MY MS, it robbed me of having more time with him I could have been with him and comforted him, but no my MS WAS not about to be compassionate enough for me to have that one good thing in my life a moment more with my husband so I might have more memories of him to remember him by. No it was selfish. The next time I saw my beloved he was in a death coma and I couldn’t say anything to him although I am sure he did know I was there, it wasn’t the same.

I was so angry with myself and then I became angry with Mike, it sounds totally irrational even writing it down BUT I was angry with him for dying. How could he leave me he never fought for us. He could have stopped smoking earlier, drank less so many stupid things going through my mind.  Why couldn’t he have tried harder it was like he had given up on us both. I never gave up no matter how bad I felt, how ill I was how much pain I was in, I never gave up, as I loved him and wanted to be with him.  I wish i had given up now, anything would have been easier then enduring this pain.

I can cope with the pain of my MS but the pain of loosing Mike is really hard.  We were not ready for a loss like this.  He only retired in 2015 and even then he went back and forth to work when they needed him.  He was such a strong person even when he looked frail and ill and believe me at times he looked terrible he would always bounce back.

Mikes retirement 24 April 2015 worked nearly 40 years in the same place, and got a flask and silly mouse trap as a retirement gift. No gold watch.

Oh my god we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together in retirement. What was it all for, my fighting this disease every day so that we might have a life together.  I looked forward to retirement, we had plans that is why Mike went to the Isle of Wight that fateful week before he died, as we really wanted to be by the sea.  Just be together and do some fishing, chilling and of course arguing why not, but have a life together after working so hard. We both of us started work at around 14 years of age well that was the age of my first job.

I waited to find the right man, and we found each later in life I was in my forties we had nearly 30 years together, 10 of which were challenging with my illness and Mikes illness but we stuck with it and stuck together.

Now I sit here writing this on my own, my journey still goes on, Mikes was denied him by a higher being for some reason only known to the almighty.  Mike never deserved to die like that he worked so so hard everyday. He never took time off work unless he was really sick which was rare.

I cant bear it in our home now.  I expect to see him sat in the conservatory having his cigarette and playing with his little radio watching the aeroplanes land he had a software on his computer. He was a very clever man, and had his amateur radio licence. He would spend hours talking to people all over the world on CB radios.

Timberjack was his handle. All gone now.  We will never go fishing again on Minehead pier, he will never again win a trophy with his classic cars.   The realisation hits you suddenly you are supposed to get to the point of acceptance of a death, how can you really?

Maybe I am just taking longer as I just still feel so angry at his loss. Where is the motivation to move forward in my life?  How can I find the strength to keep going when my MS is constantly kicking my arse all the time.

Why am I bothering really to keep healthy, keep going what is driving me. I wish I knew the answer to that as I sit here surrounded by my dog and 2 cats listening to Dinah Washington, I’m mad about the boy which kind of seems quite apt at the moment. I am mad about the boy, mad at him and mad about him.

I keep going my motivation in a way is to make sure no one forgets Mike, I don’t want his memory to just die with him, fade away so he will just become a distant memory of a person who lived. I want people to be reminded of him how much he touched so many peoples lives, enriched them, changed them, helped them.   I want them to appreciate in life you have special people around you and you must NEVER ever ever take them for granted as one day they just might not be there anymore.

I hope my MS will let me get through this and allow me to move forward. My next step I feel is to move to a smaller place. I came here with Mike, and I feel perhaps now its time to leave here with him, and start a new chapter in our lives and another part for me of my journey with MS.  I am not going to let my MS defeat me even though every part of my being is screaming for me to let go, if I do that then I loose him again, and I am not prepared to do that just yet.

Now the real work begins I have gone through once again the five stages of grief I have finally accepted his passing, and now I need to find myself again.


My next blog – moving forward and acceptance and change.






The fallout from bereavement – and the challenge of EMOTIONAL issues that come with Multiple Sclerosis.

As my husband took his very last breath on earth and went silent, little did I know the after affects and shock that would continue for months afterwards affecting me emotionally and physically.

You have these diseases given you like Multiple Sclerosis, but weirdly enough whilst I was with him for HIS last journey I forgot for just a time I actually had it, my only thoughts were to hold him tight and squeeze him and make his last minutes with me, of comfort and love.  I just had no other thoughts but I do remember crying “don’t leave me, don’t leave me I love you………”   The rest is just a blur.

I realise people reading this will not have MS, so they may not be aware of how just having it can screw with your emotions, it is actually part of the disease as lesions may invade into parts of your brain that can turn you into a jabbering lunatic with the added stress of grief.  There are not many people with MS who don’t actually have this with their MS but will be with varying degrees. (Remember if you have been following my blog MS is classed as  a snowflake disease everyone is different).

For the uninitiated:

Common emotional symptoms that can occur with MS include:

  1. Mood swings or emotional lability
  2. Anxiety, including generalised anxiety
  3. Pseudobulbar affect, which involves uncontrollable laughter and/or crying
  4. Stress
  5. Depression

So without adding anything extra we are already up against it. I have had all the above. My journey being a long one with MS and not knowing why I was so sick wore me down and yes depression was part of my issues.

I cannot cope with stress at all, and found myself shutting down on things or people I knew would actually affect my stress levels, so that I may survive another day without an exacerbation of symptoms. Oh yes did I not mention it, any tiny bit of stress can trigger a myriad of symptoms you thought had gone. So exit stress if you can obviously but sadly it is not always possible.

Oh and yes Number 3 above is real, I have had it. Its bizarre PBApba10

Poor Mike (my hubby) at times when this has happened to me I am sure he thought I was loosing my marbles. You can be watching a show on T.V. which is not even sad and start to cry then it turns in manic laughing. Before I knew what it was in my own mind I thought I was loosing my mind.   Once I realised it was PBA I was actually more able to deal with it.

When mike died later I did this the same; my emotions were are such a high level it triggered a PBA attack and it made me feel awful.  Thank goodness it was in the privacy of my own home.

If anyone reading this has lost a loved one and is responsible for dealing with their death you are suddenly faced with so many things to do that your Adrenalin thankfully kicks in and you don’t even have take time to draw a breath or think about grieving for the person who has just left you.   I knew even though I was ill it was my responsibility to make sure my beloved had the best passing anyone could have out of respect for him and all he gave to me and our marriage.

I was given a number to ring the next day to report his death to the bereavement office and have his death registered to enable me to ring a Funeral Home. All the time I was in shock yes, but comforted by so many people my brain just shut down on the tragedy that had occurred and somehow really I don’t know how perhaps auto pilot I managed to get through the next few days in a dream world just going through the motions. I cant remember much to be honest just basic stuff.

Everyone is always telling me that I am a strong person you will get through this. What is it about this phrase that is so easily said to people is it for comfort?  You will be fine your a “strong person”.   Am I?  Sometimes I doubt that.

I am good at covering up my feelings that is for sure. I find comfort in humour one of my ways to cope when facing stress is to binge on comedy on the T.V.  I have been blessed with an amazing sense of humour and use it to deal with stressful and awkward situations.  Somehow I follow my father in that in me is an inherent  and deep rooted urge which for me comes in the form of  a woman’s gotta do what a woman’s gotta do and my father was the same (but obviously I have changed the gender).

I have the ability to stay focused and get things done you just have to point me in the right direction and like a clockwork toy as long as you wind me up (not literally), I will keep going regardless of what is going on around me (I can blank it out), and just get on with it. Does that make me a strong person I have no idea.

“The weak fall, but the strong will remain and never go under!”
Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl.

I needed all the strength I could muster for what was to come.

A surprise phone call from the Bereavement Office sent me into a tail spin of anxiety, emotions, and depression.

I can remember what the lady said as if it was today. “Mrs Trim condolences on the loss of your husband MichaelTrim, sorry to bother you but the Coroner would like to talk to you as the attending doctor will not sign the death certificate off on your husband……….”

Enter the Coroner…………..

The dreaded phone call from the Corner came a few hours later.  My brain was in a spin….for me seeing coroners portrayed on T.V. meant all kinds of things like wrong doings, mysterious death yet I was told at the beginning my husband diagnosis on entering hospital was Pneumonia with Sepsis and the next 24 hours were crucial, so his death wasn’t unexpected and it had prepared me for possibilities. ae6963c9e5546eabd63fefb4b946111f

I had visions fleetingly in my brain of some mad nurse haunting the corridors of the hospital seeking out the weak and filling them with a syringe of some obnoxious chemicals what goes’ through your mind is quite bizarre.  It was almost real like a slow motion picture of a sinister figure seeking out my husband.  I felt finally i was going crazy right?

I shook this weird image out of my brain and tried to listen to what he was saying.  He kept asking me if Mike had worked with asbestos, well I know he had over the years as he often told me he thought his COPD was down to this fact rather then smoking (most smokers have to find a reason or an excuse why their smoking is not harmful). It was odd though as his oxygen levels were always very high you would think someone with COPD would have low oxygen.

Anyway back to coroner they were investigating the possibility of an industrial death so would have to perform an autopsy as the doctor attending wasn’t happy with the way my husband died to the actual evidence and test he had. The word AUTOPSY made me feel physically sick I had to hang onto something for fear of falling.  The idea of my poor Mike being  subjected to this ordeal was horrifying.  My stress levels were hitting the roof and I felt as though i was going to loose it completely.

It was bad enough loosing him, but to think of him that way was horrible in the extreme. The coroner assured my husbands remains would be dealt with respectfully and would get an answer as soon as possible they did the autopsy on the 10th October.

Mike just hated being cold and again I know weird thoughts intruded my brain of my poor hubby laying inside one of those cold drawers in a mortuary he would have hated it, and sadly was there for 7 days before the autopsy then what seemed an age before I could finally lay him to rest.  Really stupid thoughts I mean he had died so wouldn’t be feeling anything BUT………….honestly he hated the cold with a vengeance.

In the meantime remember I am also dealing with telling the family, organising his funeral so many things to deal with. Paperwork coming out of my ears as the saying goes so much to sort out even for a healthy person is challenging.  68c1836a80a78b8cec227fa236773d9a

Having to remember to inform so many people of his death oh you can do it once now thankfully I did use that service but it didn’t work exactly as I found out later as some company’s were missed out.

I met with the funeral director and organised the funeral, wake, and the food and time just passed in a daze I have no real recollection of the days as I was just on auto pilot. I couldn’t quite get it in my head my lovely husband I had been with since 1991, I would never see again alive, never hear his voice, or see his lovely blue mischievous eyes or moan at him about leaving the place in a mess.   Never talk to him about the world and its problems, share moments both good and bad.  He was gone. Just gone.

In the background ever vigilant was my MS just waiting for me to crack up, to get weak and allow it to run riot in my body and cause havoc but how; I have no idea I never allowed it to take over, I had just too much to deal with, I wanted my husbands passing to be the best it could be and to that end I spent a lot of time planning and shutting everything else out and then the second phone call from the coroner came.

The Coroner rang me quickly on the 11th October to tell me the autopsy was inconclusive and they would have to take samples of tissues and send them off to a special laboratory it could take 2 months to get answers, I was so upset and shocked. I had no idea what was going on, surely it couldn’t be all that complicated could it?  If he had asbestos poisoning wouldn’t it have shown but apparently it doesn’t work that way and he also dropped another bomb shell at my feet there would have to be an inquest which was booked for the 3rd March 2018.  I simply couldn’t get my head around any of this, 2018, inquest, inconclusive my brain was just in a whirl.

To be honest I didn’t care how he died, he died, and I just wanted to be able to mourn him, how could I with all this hanging over my head.

Worse was to come on the 13th October another letter from the Coroner arrived.  I recognised the cream/yellow envelope so I quickly opened it not really expecting much perhaps just a permission slip or something but what I read well it really put my MS into a tail spin that day which took several weeks to get on a kilter of some normalcy.

I mean really how insensitive for the Coroners Office to send a letter just after your loved ones passing actually asking what would I like them to do with the MATERIAL they had removed for histology testing. letter from coroner

Suddenly I am faced with a decision about samples they had removed. The point being they had to keep them anyway for 12 months before they could legally dispose of them.  Then reading what Material they had taken made me feel sick I almost passed out, sounds a bit dramatic I suppose but my husband had only died 10 days ago I was trying to get used to that idea, then to have to face decisions and talking about bits of tissue they had removed from him was horrific. 


I was just shaking and crying, the letter both pages just slipped from my hands and fell floating to the floor almost in slow motion to land by my feet. I was crying hysterically by then and sobbing so hard I thought I would die and lucky for me I was able to grab hold of the hallway grab rail otherwise I would have fallen badly.  I managed to make my way crying and blind with tears to the sofa to just sit down and break my heart because finally the pain of Mikes death had hit me.  It had come down to the realisation that my husband was just a body with tissue and material which needed to be taken from him to find out why he died so suddenly.  It took me a long time to get myself back to some semblance of normality after reading that.

I actually contacted my solicitor who was advising me about the possibility of his death being industrial, not because I wanted compensation but I wanted justice for my husband if he had died because of something noxious like asbestos.  She was brilliant and calmed me down and took over and contacted the coroner and told them that there would be no decisions as yet until the results were in from the tests.

I have to say that I really don’t know how I got through those days before his funeral we were able to carry on with arrangements and I was given a temporary Death Certificate which enabled me to continue with the plans for his funeral thankfully and my lovely Mike took his last journey on  the 25th October at 11am 2017.

When I got to the crematorium on that sad day following my husbands coffin in the hearse I was shocked as there was a queue of people waiting to pay their last respects to him. It warmed my heart and made it all so much easier to bear to see all those faces some I knew others strangers there must have been over two hundred mourners turn up which just showed how much love people had for him.

His funeral was wonderful. It was a humanist funeral and we celebrated his life. He loved spitfires always wanted to fly one or be in one, also loved the engine sound (Merlin), so I gave him his last wish and his coffin had spitfires printed around the outside it looked brilliant I have to say and my grandson Conner wore his flight jacket as a poll bearer and when the curtains went down for his last journey we had the sound of spitfires flying over head as a tribute to him, it was amazing.

The reading was all about Mike and what sort of man he was.  It was all so comforting.  Yes I cried buckets but I knew he would have loved his send off. We went to our local social club across the road from us for his wake he would have loved that and it was well attended and everyone had the chance to talk about him.   If he was looking down on us, he would have been really pleased I know it.

How I got through that day I have no idea I don’t remember much to be honest, but my family were very supportive and the love towards my husband shown by everyone there made it all bearable.

When the funeral is over you hope you can start to heal and grieve but sadly when you have the question mark hanging over his death it is simply not that easy. You just don’t know how to deal with it. 

I was starting to get weak. Suddenly from a lot of people around me all the time there was no one the support I had gone. I was just left to sit on my own and the feeling of loss was so overpowering.

I had lost my husband, my extended family a huge part of my life was just wiped away when he died.  All his friends who I had taken into my home and heart and his family slowly distanced themselves from me, and I found myself more and more alone.  Nearly 30 years wiped out. Then the MS found my Achilles tendon loneliness, sadness, despair and feeling FORSAKEN.  My daughter painted me a picture of me as a forsaken angel it was exactly how I felt.


My MS ran riot giving me anxiety and panic attacks, depression and pain oh yes the pain someday’s was just too much to bear not just the physical pain but the emotional pain of losing my husband.

My only hope was to have counselling which i embarked on and it did help, and slowly support from family and friends became more routine, and my husbands sister Lynne would visit and ring me regularly and still does and we talk.  It all helps and my family have all been good and tried to support me as much as they can.  My friends on Facebook always supportive without a lot of them I don’t think i would have gotten through this time.  I even received a beautiful bouquet of flowers from a friend in America Maureen we have been friends with for quite a few years now, it was so touching I cried. I had so many lovely cards which I have kept and one day will take the time to put them all in a scrapbook I received other flowers from Facebook but my memory is not good now and I disgracefully have forgotten who sent them, if they read this I hope they understand and will forgive me.

maureens flowers

I made a tribute to Mike in the conservatory. He just loved sitting in the conservatory it was his place.  I set up photos and a board of all the things that Mike did over his life. He was an amazing man.  l added the book of condolences people wrote in so if anyone does come to see me they can share their experiences of him and memories and write it down if they feel they would like too. I often write in it and it does comfort me.

I brought his ashes home and he is in the conservatory which he loved.

I have to tell you about an amazing thing that happened the day I bought him home with my two friends, Jane and Jade.

We have chickens especially 3 very large rare hens Pavlovskaya a special breed.  Mike loved them and they loved him. Mike would spend hours with the chickens he had an empathy with them.  The Pavlovskaya would seek him out and I knew they had been in with him as they would leave their evidence of feather or err poop.

When we bought Mike home there in front of the conservatory were all three Pavovskaya stood in a line, and all the other chickens were behind them almost on parade saluting him. Non of them moved they were very still and just watched us then suddenly they just turned around and moved away, it was one of the weirdest things we had ever seen. I am convinced they were paying a tribute to him.

The MS is out of control sadly and progressing at a fast rate I allowed it to take a hold in my weakest moments. Its hard enough to lose someone without MS, but when you are ill with a disease that zaps you at every opportunity you need all the support you can get.

IF you ever have a friend or member of family with MS and they appear abrupt or irritable or bad tempered and argumentative, forgive them.   Mike did, he knew when I was angry and yes screaming at him for something stupid it wasn’t me doing it, it was my illness, he would just look at me, not retaliate and wait for me to calm down.

We don’t  want to be this way who does.  We don’t want to spend days anxious, crying and laughing at the wrong times, totally depressed and devoid of emotions. or the opposite and ranting and raving at the most stupid things. 3566756900000578-3646875-image-a-14_1466173868638

Just put yourself in our shoes for just a day, and see how hard it is.

Yes the fallout from my husbands death is continuous even after seven months it is not slowing down.   The worse part is the anxiety and panic attacks and STRESS I am experiencing I am hoping with time and healing it will all settle down.

Just remember if you know someone who has lost a loved one, its all very good to comfort them at the time, but grief sadly is ongoing and doesn’t just go away, and in actual fact becomes harder after the funeral and it is then that someone mourning needs more support so just a little message, “how are you” doesn’t have to be much.

Finally after waiting 2 months I had the last phone call from the Coroner. . The sample for histology that was sent came back with no plaques for asbestos.  Without the plaques they could not go forward with an industrial death however,  there was fibrosis found in his lungs which is a typical thing to see if someone was affected by asbestos but can also be caused through infections and other agents.

Two doctors had to confer about the results  and they have decided to log it as a natural death caused by  pneumonia which finally enabled me to register his death.  I felt relief to be honest total relief and I think I even shocked the coroner when I said what a relief. The reason being?  It was OVER, I could now grieve why they wanted to do an autopsy has never been made clear to me, as I know the admitting doctor when Mike was taken to hospital clearly said he had Pneumonia with Sepsis so what happened in the 2 days he was there is always going to remain a mystery.

The inquest was cancelled and we wouldn’t be put through any more pain over his death.

My journey now begins without my husband that is going to be the hardest journey of them all.   Its been hell for months and my MS relentless now its time I started to let myself heal.  I just hope the beast or the MonSter allows me to take a break.

Depression is a real thing remember a person may look well, and happy and smiling but behind the mask they can be hurting really bad.

“Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, ‘Treatment is simple. Great clown, Pagliacci, is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.’ Man bursts into tears. Says, ‘But doctor, I am Pagliacci.’ ”

Trying to deal with bereavement….moving forward and coping mechanisms…………

watch out for my next blog..trying to move on















Socialising is a pain…….really

I was blessed with Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis.  Who would know that one day I would be diagnosed with it after so many years trying to work out why I felt so rotten all the time.  Bit of a shock to the system I can tell you, but well lots of people have things to contend with don’t they in life, and as we get older, bits start to fall off and we get older, and more tired.

Who would have thought that having MS would turn me from a happy fun loving person, who loved to talk and meet people and have lots of friends. I loved to entertain my family especially for Christmas and special occasions. Mike and I would often hold Bar B Q’s in the summer and he was actually a very accomplished cook with the charcoal. Life was good really.

Mike and I often went on holiday together and we would take his mother too. We went to USA, Greece, Brazil, Malta, corfu, crete, rhodes and other places.   I was full of energy and had a quick wit and mind and well actually quite a good sense of humour.   I had a great job, worked at least 60 hours a week, ran 11 learning centres and 54 tutors were in my care.

I have accepted my illness what else can I do really?  It is here and now i have learnt how to deal with this uninvited visitor.

I hate it so much as it has taken so much of ME away and it robbed me of better times with my Mike.

I am never really sure who is actually standing in the mirror it looks like me, but well it doesn’t feel like me. It feels like my body and brain is there but like the cliff edge lots of who I was has been eroded away and I am kind of left with this accumulation of cells, and blood, and fibre and body that only has the capacity to actually exist with half of what it had.   Like a glass half empty kind of feeling. Half empty


Hands up how many of you reading this have a calendar or diary, and its filled with dates and places or things you are going to do?  I don’t have a diary or a calendar. I have a white board and if I am lucky to actually write on it a visitor is coming or I am booked to go and visit someone, do something really cool, if I have to change it at short notice I can simply WIPE IT OFF, like well my MS will have WIPED me out that day. I never know where this disease is going to take me in anyone particular day.

I can have a really good nights sleep and a rotten day, and vice versa.

Friends or family will invite me for a party, or gathering and I can write it down on my white board but I have no idea if well I will be well enough to actually get there.

Fatigue is my enemy and pain. Now let’s get this straight ok, fatigue in MS is not just feeling a tad tired and a  quick sit-down on the sofa will resolve it. No way for people with MS its like being hit by the worse flu ever, then have to run a marathon.   OK think about it, if you have ever had flu, and your body is just sunk into your mattress and you cant get up, that is MS fatigue.  MS Fatigue can just hit you in seconds just doing something silly like talking to someone on the phone.   energy-conservation-in-ms-during-the-holidays-julie-huerbin-otrl-mscs-3-638

I am usually not too bad when I wake up and I have learnt to work around my fatigue. I do everything first thing but as the day progresses so does my fatigue a bit like a battery winding down.  By 2pm I am wiped out like a hard drive nothing left in it of any use, and just resting. Just talking is exhausting and it can make me so tired I sit there yawning and gasping for air which must look pretty rude, but believe me I don’t do it on purpose.

Just going out is a huge effort for someone with PPMS. It takes a huge effort yes it is good to get out, but you know the consequences are going to be even worse fatigue when you get home, and pain.

Yes pain. There are some people even doctors sadly who think there is no pain in MS wrong. Yes some people when they first start their journey may not be bothered with too much Neuropathic pain it depends largely on where their lesions are located.

Mine are in my spine.  I suffer Neuropathic pain 247, it never stops or gives me a break ever.  I cope with it during the day because I am doing things, like writing this to distract myself.  Now going out will make it worse because my brain has to work harder to keep me safe which makes me more fatigued and then allows the pain to run riot.

Pain burning, fizzing, tingling, buzzing, prickly, spasms and cramp, muscle stiffness,  oh and one of the worse the ITCH.  I dont mean a little itch, my hand and fingers will feel like I have had the worse CHILBLAINS ever and you cannot get relief.  Lol the times I have had to check my scalp to make sure I didn’t have nits the itchy patch on your leg you scratch raw it is relentless.   It can change in seconds. Its like a roulette wheel where will the ball land next…..

Just knowing if you go out it can give you so much pain you want to scream and so much fatigue you want to just stay on your recliner why on earth would you want to go out to deal with that, or have people come to see you and leave you like that?

Well you have to really try hard to make the effort but please whoever reads this and doesn’t suffer from an auto immune or chronic illness or MS, be patient with us, we don’t want to be boring or upset you, we are sick sadly and its hard really hard to be this way when you have led a really exciting and full life.

I had my family over for Easter lunch and I made a huge effort to put on food, yes it was all frozen and zapped in microwave but I really enjoyed myself, and later I had other members of my immediate family turn up and my Easter day was lovely, but now today even writing this I am so fatigued and in pain, I just want to curl up and do nothing, but I am determined to try and have a glass half full day for a change but at the moment my battery is winding down very fast, so I will close now, hope you have a little more insight into my journey.

Have a good day and thanks for reading.

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Little me 


The Empty Chair

When grief comes knocking on our door the aftermath takes a very long time to get over.  Losing a loved one, means you have to contend with grief, and it can be very hard for some people to deal with.

The worse things to deal with are the anniversaries the holidays, and the constant reminder that the person has gone as there will be an empty chair, they used to occupy.

My husband used to sit in the conservatory on a black recliner rocker chair. When he died i couldn’t bear to look at it, and one day I swear I saw it rock, which freaked me out.

I gave it away, that empty chair was no more. It was gone, but sadly it didn’t fill the emptiness I feel everyday not having my beloved by me or near me to talk too.

The emptiness of grief is so hard to deal with. I feel forsaken, lost on a journey which I don’t want to be on.  My heart is aching when will grief the unwanted guest in my house finally leave me?

Sadly I know when grief does leave me, there will be another knock on a door for someone else and again it will be that unwanted visitor who doesn’t even wait to be invited in.

Every anniversary is the time to share our memories of the good times together. We can talk about them and show to people around us how much they meant to us. They are missed everyday and never forgotten. They are still with us in spirit and in our hearts.  Mike is always going to be my heart.

They need never leave our hearts or our minds, and we can take comfort in the fact that they would have been a large part of who we are now.

My lovely hubby Mike, a kind and caring man, a loving man, always there to help others no matter how ill he was or tired he was, never would he let a friend down. He was amazing very clever. A keen fisherman, loved steam trains, spitfires (more the engines), he was a keen C B radio enthusiast and his handle was TIMBERJACK.

He was a very talented driver and won many cups production car trailing and grass track racing, he worked years ago with motorbikes and would go off to Europe with his friend who raced them.  Mike was a brilliant engineer mechanical and electronics. He could fix any engine or car and always did a good job. A perfectionist.

An amazingly clever man sadly missed.

The many faces of mike.

Its 3rd October 2019 I cant believe it is his the 2nd Anniversary since he left me and his family and friends. I am still grieving everyday for him. Sad as when your together and your bitching at one another over silly things, or moaning about mess, or “where have you been” etc, it just isn’t important not really.  If you love someone just love them for who they are dont try to change them. Once they have gone no matter who it is, you will have to face that empty chair and then all the silly little niggles just seem so pointless.

I would love just once more to see oil stained hands on my front door where my Mike had been outside working on his car, and never thought to wipe his hands before coming back in, its all so well stupid now.

My tribute to my hubby I paid for a bench in his honour to be placed in the middle of our town so all his family and friends could still feel close to him. So many people knew him and loved him.

Remember just love your family and partners and cherish them because you just never know when it might all end.  Mikes memorial bench, my friend superimposed another photo of him onto it.  I can imagine him sitting there chatting to everyone, as he loved to chat. xxxxxxxxxx love you hubby.


I cried this morning………………

There was a knock on my door, when i got to answer it a nice man stood there with a bunch of flowers. My brain being slow didnt recognise him to start with and I just thought it was a flower delivery (racking brain who would send me flowers).

He looked at me and said, “I bought too many flowers for Easter and thought you would like a bunch”. It was then I realised it was one of my neighbours a few doors down, who I am kind of just on speaking terms, hello etc.

He gave them to me and I CRIED THIS MORNING as I took hold of the flowers tears flowed from my eyes, I have never felt such comfort and caring, and realised that there are lots of good people about in this world.

He bought me flowers at the time I was sitting alone, thinking of another holiday without my husband or my mum. He bought me flowers without realising just how happy they made me feel. 

What a wonderful family to think of me on this occasion.

I cried and he looked at me and smiled and went off, his mission to cheer me up complete. THANK you to a truly wonderful family who made a sick old women happy even for a bit.


The Secrets behind the cupboard door……….

How many of you have that cupboard in your home where you just kind of shove things in there when you have no where else to put it or its an unwanted gift you want to hide? Over time it gets fuller and fuller until its ready to spill its contents out onto the floor…..

It reminded me of the episode of “Friends” when Chandler found Monica’s secret cupboard.

So funny but we all have one don’t we.

Well finally for the first time in ages I was actually having a good day.

My care worker Jade and I finally decided to tackle my secret cupboard the one under the stairs located in the downstairs toilet.

Ugh it was full of cobwebs and boxes of goodness knows what, we could see plastic bags full of stuff everything looked sad and neglected as they were no use to anyone anymore, they were just hidden away out of sight out of mind.

We had a lot of fun finding things i had forgotten. Now I have 3 large boxes full of car boot stuff to be taken to be sold and a real feeling of accomplishment.

Now all my hidden junk I didn’t want anymore would be able to have new life, and new families who could enjoy them, the saucepans, frying pans, spatulas, kettle, camping gear, wine making paraphernalia, (worth a bundle), car radios, cassette players, lots of lovely Christmas decorations, saucepan rack and much more, would all find new homes ……………………………..

I even found 3 very large bottles of my best wine I used to make Beetroot bottled in 2011 it was the last batch I made. Boy its going to be strong and blow someones head off lol. Beetroot wine becomes fortified with age, like a really strong sherry.

Anyone fancy a bottle lol it comes with a warning that is for sure.

For me sitting there on my electric wheelchair helping Jade sort out all this stuff was a huge ACHIEVEMENT for me, I felt great just doing that one small task. If you don’t have MS or a chronic disability you cant comprehend how these little achievements can make us feel.

Now I have a clean empty cupboard………no spiders and items who will have new lives and give others lots of pleasure……

I wonder who will have the camping stuff and where the little kettle and frying pan will end up…..maybe France, or somewhere nice in England with a nice young couple starting their new journey. I hope their journey is a good one full of love and joy.

Even with all the pain I have had my journey has been a good one even though I lost the love of my life, I know he will always journey with me wherever I go.

Have a wonderful Easter all of you reading this 2018.

Remember maybe you too can find some hidden memories in your secret cupboard.



When Mobility Aids go Bad

28946326_10155680669978918_970538035_oFor me it was actually a good morning, I had a great nights sleep not too much pain and only woke up once took my med’s and fell back to sleep again bliss. You are not blessed with many nights like that with MS.

I nearly always wake up between 4am and 5am every morning. I like to wind down and have my coffee which I make without getting out of bed as I have my flask ready by the side of my bed. Ah bliss, the aroma of strong Nescafe wafting towards me, is like to me a whiff of fresh air.  That first gulp of hot coffee sliding down the throat is just the best feeling ever.  Who needs fags. Whilst I was waking up I would peruse the Internet, answers any messages, and check on my group which I ran for support with chickens, listen to music and just well chill out.

So well I get up at 7am, its always a struggle for me to get up as my legs have ceased up like some old engine which needs more than a tin or two of WD40 to get it cranked up and moving.   Ah well my hubby would help me when it was particularly bad, but now he had gone, I had to just well get on with it.   Bit by bit, legs out, body out, rest pause until I finally could stand up.   Some mornings, I could swing my legs out and hold onto my commode chair and almost stand up straight with little effort but those days were fast receding.   However, this particular morning it was good, I could get up yayyyyyy.

Routine is manage to get downstairs carefully with dog in tow I would hold onto the double banisters either side of the stairs, and 2 cats following.  My walker was ready by the bottom of the stairs and my electric wheelchair parked by the wall it was going to be a tri-fold walker morning, I could use my legs to get about not hard wheels of my chair bliss and I was moving well enough to walk and hold onto my grab rails. I hated using the electric wheelchair and tried my best not too I have always been determined to keep on my feet.

I let the dog out for her morning constitutional then it was feeding time for the animals. The cats well they always seemed to have food, but hey you have to pretend to put more or their dishes otherwise they think they are starving.

Whilst they were eating, i would perch my bottom of my perching chair and get washed and dressed.  I always keep my morning clothes ready to change downstairs its easier. If I am having a really bad day, sadly I would just slip a jumper over my PJ tops, and add some new underwear and trousers sorry but needs must and let’s face it who would know or care. Trying to take off a PJ top when you have little energy or arm and shoulder is in agony is simply not an option.

Wash quickly and it would be about 7.30am by then. I have some chickens little bantams which my husband and I kept. They are the reason I am still on my legs.   Sadly when I lost my husband half had to go, and 3 more are leaving me next week so I will only have a few little ones left  ginger (4)

The picture is of Ginger my frazzled frizzle. I had her as a chick, the breeder made a fundamental mistake by breeding two frizzle chickens together which causes twisting feathers and brittle feathers. She would wear her coat to keep warm in the winter.

The “GIRLS” always rush out when I let them out, they squabble, and squawk and moan at me for being late, then devour everything in sight, poop, preen, drink their water then they are off out of the pop hole into their garden if the morning is good. It was good this morning so they scrambled over each other to get out.   The coop is easily cleaned and later my care worker or my grandson would give them a tidy.

Then it was my turn. I was feeling so good that morning, my legs were surprisingly loose not with the usual spasms and cramp just twinges, my music was on, a sixties tape which I loved.  I really felt well GOOD.

It was such a rare feeling it made it all the more special for me.  There I was getting my fruit and toast ready, chatting and singing to the dog who looked at me as though I had gone mad, perhaps I had.  I don’t know about you but I am always talking to my animals.

It was such a lovely day the sun was out I found myself saying to Lucy my JR “I think I will take you for a longer walk today maybe we might even go into town what do you think girl?”  She would look at me with a twist to her face as though she was listening boy one day I will get a real shock if she ever answers me. It was a Wednesday 21st March 2018 and I had no visitors or care worker on a Wednesday so I had to fill my day some how as it had become hard for me to be one my own, so a walk out would do us both good.

So we got ready, it was nearly 9am by then, I was watered, fed, tablets taken, all was good in the world.

I grabbed my coat and Lucy’s harness and we were off to the out shed which was located and attached to the house by the back kitchen door and side alley way which made the house known as an end of terrace property as we could get to the back through a side door.

It was a big shed which my hubby used to use to dump all his engine bits in. It had double patio doors. When I lost him I had it cleared out, and made into my scooter garage, with a ramp leading from the patio doors, it was easier for me as all I had to do was just open the double doors and put the scooter on walk and move it slowly up the ramp and out.

This morning was no different. I grabbed my walking stick, slipped my slip on canvas shoes on  my feet, secured the house, put the scooter key in the ignition and turned the dial to low and started to move it slowly up the ramp after having opened the doors.

Suddenly with no warning whatsoever it came alive I swear it did. “Fanciful” no truth. It turned into a MONSTER.  Not an MS one but a MonSter.


Without warning suddenly the tiller where the steering is wrenched itself round towards the left lifting the front up off the ramp and I lost my grasp on it, and how I have no idea I ended up the other side of the ramp with this thing kind of turning its steering to the left,

Lucy had gotten out of the way thank god, and I managed to grab hold of it again, and then without warning, it twisted itself towards the right and proceeded to come down the small area of ramp with me trying to hold onto a machine that had suddenly turned into a bucking bronco. I swear it did, like an idiot I was trying to hold on to it as it was trying to shake me off. I was just been shook about and before I knew it my whole left foot had been run over as the under carriage of the scooter dropped back down on my foot.

My scooter had become a mad bucking bronco I swear.  bucking-horse_thumb

I was sent backwards and finally it hit the shed door to my house really hard and stopped.

Adrenalin kicks in I was just so shocked and frightened, Lucy was cowering in the corner away from the mayhem thank god.   I dont know where I got the energy from but crying I just got back through to the kitchen I had my careline round my neck but my mobile phone was handy too, so I rang my daughter who lived a few minutes from her, and must have sounded pretty panicked as I found out later she RAN to my house omg if you knew her, you would realise how daft that sounded.

My first aid training kicking in, I some how grabbed a bag of rice from the freezer with some veg in it and got to the sitting room, and elevated my leg and foot and on the way I had some how grabbed my bottle of ginger beer and drank for the sugar. I was in so much pain my foot was starting to swell, Lucy was crying and whimpering as she knew I was hurt.  I was just in shock by then and really don’t remember much, just vague.

My daughter came, got hold of my other daughter, and my son in law came, and he took me to the hospital.  I was just so lucky as nothing was broken.

My very good morning, had turned into a total nightmare. The mobility aid that was supposed to support me had turned on me in a viscous attack, that is all I can say, it felt like it was out to get me.  When my daughter tried to move it backwards away from the door, it did similar and she struggled to hold it steady.

When life had calmed down again, and I was recovering my grandson showed me the big shed door the scooter had actually bent the hinges this door had been there about sixty years and it would not close now so shows how hard that scooter hit it.

It would appear that the steering had broken or something I have no idea the technicalities of it. All I know is for weeks maybe even months I had been saying that my machine was steering towards the right, I had ended up in next doors hedge a few times.

The moral of this story is twofold. 

If you rely on one of these machines, make sure you have it serviced regularly.  Dont leave it to chance. It might just be a mobility scooter but it CARRIES YOU…..and it should be pavement or roadworthy as they are heavy and dangerous. They can turn on us and cause us injury.

Two make sure you have liability insurance and insurance on your machine, as if mine had gone nuts when I was out in town where pedestrians were I could have hurt someone.

Yes I was hurt but I also was given a serious lesson, if you rely on it make sure you care for it, just like you would a car.

Sadly the end to the story is Chucky is going to be turned into a go kart and I have a new scooter and believe me, it will be checked regularly, and I have an insurance for it now. It will start new but be well cared for.  Chucky was second hand when I got him, and that was six years ago and he was never really cared for.  I relied on him to keep me safe, and get me out, but I let him down by neglecting him.

NEVER NEGLECT YOUR MOBILITY AIDS.   You need them to stay safe.

A reliable friend for six years who kept me sane, took me out so I could enjoy some life, always started first time even in the freezing cold, sadly now gone.  I shall miss him as he has been a big part of my life. Always there when I needed him.



'Sad endings always make me cry.'

The beginning – My Journey begins in Brazil.

Thanks for joining me!

me and mike in brazil

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

Brazil 2000 – July

To say I was excited would be an understatement. I never in a million years thought we would have the money to afford a holiday in Brazil as the rates were really expensive. It was one place i have always wanted to visit, and believe me I have been all around the world at sometime in my life.

To be honest the thought of seeing a few hunky maybe footballer types running around on the beaches wouldn’t go amiss either….but i would never tell my hubby that.

I had gone to my local travel agents and there in the window was NEW THIS SEASON holiday in Recife Brazil on a “package” holiday. I couldn’t believe my eyes. There was the perfect holiday for Mike and I it was in a small Hotel in Recife the name of it now escapes my memory.  It was so cheap and we could afford it. The Hotel was located close to the town and the beach was yards away. I booked it without hesitation for July 2000.

Mike my hubby was excited as I was even though he was well travelled himself. Finally the day came to leave and we got there after a long flight and journey but the Hotel was fine, had a swimming pool and beach was amazing like the beach on the old Bounty chocolate adverts.  We soon found our bearings and hired a beach buggy fabulous so much fun.  The beaches were virtually deserted as the PACKAGE holiday had only just started and we only saw a few other holiday makers, it was all just a trial anyway to see how it went down with the British customers. Well we were hooked and even talking about returning again the next year.

We had a great time really was fun, the weather was a bit unsettled though but still we enjoyed beach-combing, watching beach football, swimming, and just chilling and oh yes eating the local food which was brilliant just what we liked.  We ate in the Brazilian restaurants and met lots of new people and just whiled away our days chatting and sightseeing as well.

Towards the end of the holiday we took a visit again to the town and decided to mooch the shops for presents to take home. I was in one when suddenly I had no vision in my left eye it was scary and bizarre. I remember clutching hold of Mikes arm and almost in tears was telling him “I cant see, I cant see, out of my left eye, get me out of here quickly”.   He was shocked but didn’t argue and took me outside. I just held onto him as hard as i could so frightened i was going to die there and then in a strange place without my family.   He calmed me down and i managed to open my eye again and the vision was weird i couldn’t see to the side at all, and it was so blurry and fuzzy.  We took the quickest route back to the buggy and mike got me back to Hotel. By then my vision was slowly returning.  He spoke to the receptionist and she got the local doctor out to see me.

He was a very nice kind man and made me feel comfortable and safe again. He checked me thoroughly and said in good English i hadn’t had a stroke but i must see my doctor as soon as i went back to the UK.  He said i should be ok to stay for the next few days of my holiday but should rest for a day or two.

When he went i just wanted to go home, i was so scared and frightened, Mike got hold of the representative of the holiday company. He explained by the time it took to organise me a flight i would be going home anyway, and it would be just as easy if I just stayed there and finished the rest of my holiday.

In the morning things were almost back to normal my eyes felt better and my left wasn’t as painful or blurry.

So we spent the next few days just enjoying the rest of our holiday and time together.

Thankfully I managed to survive the homeward bound journey.

When I arrived home; the next day i popped round to see my daughter with her presents, and to tell her all about my holiday and the scary happenings to me I had. Whilst she was in the kitchen making a cup of coffee for me, well it happened again. My left eye went blind, like a black spot in the middle of the eye, all blurry and out of focus and the pain when i moved it.

My daughter insisted i went to the doctor so an appointment was made for the next day.

I went there and explained what happened. The doctor almost looked bored as I described the symptoms and finally just looked at me and said I expect it was the travelling, the heat and anxiety, I wouldn’t worry too much as it resolved itself the first time, and as you have just said to me, it feels better that day. He didn’t even bother to check my eyes.

I left that office feeling totally deflated how can someone potentially go blind TWICE, and yet not even have tests?

I was back at work the next day, and slowly the memories of my scary episodes started to fade until the next episode a few years later…………


“Was I losing my Sanity”?

Life after Brazil settled back down to the usual routine of rushing around in my job. I had a wonderful job i was an Educational Developer for a small college in our city. I was responsible to create and support accredited I.T. programs and also recreational classes throughout the 11 learning satellite centres which were attached to the college.

I was responsible for 54 tutors as well. On top of all that i taught I.T. and also basic cooking in the community.

I never stopped probably worked 60 hours. I was so proud the day i went for the interview as i was working for another college closer by in their flexible learning centre supporting members of the public in I.T. based learning.  I loved the job but it wasnt challenging enough for me. I LOVED to be challenged. Maybe it was the Leo in me, or i took after my father who was just the same.

The interview consisted of a 2 hour interview the first was an hour on power point on how i would develop the necessary accredited programmes and deal with the quality, training, and variety of courses to present to the local community.  By the time i had finished i was totally drained and whacked out. I was told I would hear back in a few day, and started to drive home.

I had to suddenly stop the car as i felt so ill i thought i was going to pass out. My eyes were so blurry i couldn’t see. I took long sips of cold water and just tried to chill back down.  I just thought it was the stress i had just been through. Finally i was able to carry on with my journey home.  I must admit i didn’t take much notice of the journey home i was just thinking about what i had just been through.  It was like torture, jeez they wanted to know everything. I was up against a panel of people all firing shots at me about my “VISION” for their new programs in the community.

A few days later I received a thick envelope and it was a job offer, i was so excited i squealed like a stuck pig when i read it and Mike my hubby came running out thinking i had hurt myself.   The money was good too and it would really help us.

I put my notice in that day I was working in a local colleges Flexible Learning suite (supporting learners in I.T.) and started to research on the Internet about all the I.T. programmes which i worked with now anyway but i had never had to actually deal with the qualification side of the courses. It was going to be a long hard road for me but i was so excited to have such a challenge.

Eventually I started my job, i had a PA, Dylis who had been working with me several years came with me, sadly she died a few years ago and is sadly missed.

Dilys the best PA anyone could have had sadly missed RIP.

Things started to go wrong in 2001 well i had been getting subtle little life disturbances before that but i had just ignored them. When I started my new job things i had noticed a little bit prior started to really show up.

I mean how come every single day when i went into the city office I would enter the office and immediately drift to the right and bang my arm or leg on the row of filing cabinets?  It was madness i was getting black and blue, and the girls in my office started to tease me about being a secret drinker. Hardly yes i liked a glass of the old vino at night to relax but i would never drink for my breakfast lol I wasn’t that desperate.

Then Dily’s would find me ASLEEP on my desk about 3pm i just couldn’t stay awake, omg meetings were such a chore for me, as they got warmer i got more exhausted.

Oh dear then the invisible “Genie” only i could feel turned up. He would sit on my chest and viciously stab my body with a knife i had no idea where the pain would be at any given time, it would just suddenly hit me and i would shout out at times in shock. Dily’s would look at me old fashioned “you alright zen”, no I had that stupid pain again its bizarre. Was i losing my mind?

The days turned into weeks, then months and a few years on with me still experiencing all kinds of weird stuff had settled down into a routine and things were going good. I had all the I.T. qualifications in place, managed to sail through an ECDL audit with full marks, had written a full workable procedure for my tutors, had put together copious amounts of exercise books all on Microsoft suite, taken qualifications myself, taught cooking to recovering addicts and even had time to become an NVQ assessor just so we could offer Teacher Assistant and Administration NVQ to the local community.

To say my life was on full sail would be an understatement.

2004 the eyes hit me again, massive urinary infection and a period in my life when i could barely function, but i did. My GP once again put it all down to stress, and high blood pressure.

Then the next stage of my madness turned up. The proverbial dropping things. There i would be with car keys in hand then they would be on the floor. UGH every day i would drop something. What the hell was going on. I was an avid car boot Queen. I loved collecting and my second passion apart from my job was collecting and learning about antiques. I had a bedroom full of stuff. I would research and then if i thought they would sell they would go on Ebay. I sold a lot of stuff and prided myself of my collection of stuff and my quirky likeness for all things odd.

I had a little studio with a sheet over a table where i would lovingly arrange my latest piece i had found. Suddenly without warning that lovely piece i had treasured would be just on the floor in well more pieces then it started with. After i had massacred a few nice items I said to Mike that’s it someone else will have to photograph for me. I was so upset what was happening to me I didn’t even know i had let go of the item until i heard it smash.

It was madness.

The tiredness crept back in, and then the balance issues came back and I was constantly banging myself i was literally black and blue at one point and Dily’s commented one day jeez you look like your being beaten or something.  I assured her i was not, well she knew that anyway mike being a friend.

Then the pins and needles arrived so bad in my legs i found myself struggling to drive thank god i had an automatic i thought to myself. I think Mike was beginning to think i was going nuts too…….pins and needles in my legs yet i could feel them, how weird was that, maybe i needed a new mattress.

It got so bad i had to ring Dily’s up and ask her to take me to work.

Every meeting was a challenge as i got so hot and felt sick and couldnt even focus on the contents.

Life just got weirder and weirder and more odd things would pop up and I really thought i was loosing my mind. I mean you should be able to have a bath right without getting stuck in it, and i mean that in a way that no i wasn’t so fat i couldn’t get out, the heat of the bath just sucked the life out of me.

Poor Mike my hubby tried to get me out on one occasion when my legs refused to work, and he went flying backwards as he wasn’t very strong himself suffering with his COPD. It was hopeless i was sat there scared and more scared. I suddenly thought well maybe its the heat of the water, so i pulled the plug and let the water drain out……………………. it took about 10 minutes laying in that bath for me to feel able to attempt getting out of the bath again, so this time with Mikes help i was successful and just flopped on my bed and lay there for ages, just like a balloon and been burst or a tyre let down and deflated, i had no energy whatsoever.

I realised  that my days in the bath were over. Not only for my safety but Mikes too i didn’t want him hurting himself trying to extricate me from the bath.  So we had a shower installed.   Oh dear well errr that was a fairly good idea, but then when i was having a shower i had areas on my body which I literally couldn’t feel the water hitting the skin, I mean what was all that about?

I started to convince myself i was loosing my mind.

(Since then my illness progressed so much that even a shower was a real chore and i hate them  even more so now they wipe me out all day, sometimes two.)

Until 2006 my life was ok sort of, but the mystery of my illness continued and there was always a new challenge for me to face.

We had booked a holiday for Malta in 2006 with my sister and her husband and we were really looking forward to it.  I thought as did Mike perhaps getting away would do me good as i had been working non stop sometimes 60 to 70 hours a week, what with the teaching and qualification developing, keeping teachers in work, and making sure all the paperwork was done correctly and still writing exercise sheets and books, and lesson plans and checking my tutors too; really took it out off me.

Just before we were to travel the worse urinary tract infection hit me. Two weeks of antibiotics would not shift it, and I felt awful too, really tired and in pain for the first time especially in my back.   I couldn’t get rid of this infection and it got closer to the holiday my doctor advised me not to travel, as my medical insurance would be invalid if anything to do with that happened. Sadly, we decided not to go ahead it was a hard decision to make, but because my doctor had supported me with this i was able to get my money back thank goodness, but it was sad as i was looking forward to the holiday with my sister they still went and enjoyed it.

I still know the exact day and date that my life changed for ever. It was the 11th September 2006 a Monday.

On the Friday our college had a big award ceremony for all the students who had done well. I wasn’t feeling special i had been suffering more with really bad backache and the heat was wiping me out, we were having a late summer.  I went to the ceremony but have to say I was glad when it was over and I could go home to rest.

Every weekend I would usually go to a local car boot sale, they were my joy and relaxation. I would buy lots of things usually as i was a collector and I sold stuff on Ebay. It really helped me to wind down. There was the usual one not far about 10 minutes away by car.

Mike took me and parked up.  I was still aching in my back but was determined to have a walk around.  It didn’t take very long for me to realise something wasn’t quite right. My legs were so stiff i could barely move them one foot in front of the other.  It was almost like walking with concrete boots on.  I tried to enjoy myself, but stiff legs, and cramp in the back of the shins was starting to take a toll. I found Mike and told him i needed to go home. He knew there must be something wrong for me to do that, i had never done it before even in the freezing winter.

I got home and just had to go to bed and lay down. I cold barely move and my left foot i remember was almost dead.  I stayed there and eventually after Mike ensuring i had some food for the evening i fell asleep.

When i woke up in the morning my legs were so stiff and in pain I could barely move. I nudged mike awake and told him he would have to help me get out of bed. I just couldn’t even swing my legs out of the bed, they were dead weights.

I remember trying to stand up and nearly falling over. Eventually Mike managed to get me to the bathroom but it was a real struggle.

There was no way i was going to be able to get to work in this state.  Mike rang Dily’s and explained, then he rang the doctor, who eventually came to see me around lunchtime. This was a new practice as i had left the old one.  She did some quick tests and told me she thought there was something neurological going on, and would make a referral to a neurologist and i was best to just rest for now, and come and see her when I felt a bit better as a referral in those days would take several weeks.

Mid week I felt a little better and went to see her. She did more neurological tests and confirmed she was on the right track. As I wanted to go back to work as soon as I could I agreed  to see the neurologist privately.

That was the second part of my journey was I going insane or was I really sick…….it took 10 long years to find out the answer to that question…………………………………………….

Testing testing 1,2,3…

Getting a diagnosis of whatever it was that was ailing me was not going to be an easy thing. I realised that after my first visit to the neurologist.  Because I wanted an urgent answer i even went private for the first MRI.  I just wanted to go back to work.

My first meeting with him was positive. He let me ramble on about things that had gone on. Then I was asked to lay on the bed and he started a barrage of tests jeez it was like being in a torture chamber, I mean what did i do to deserve having long sharp pins sticking into my legs……………………..


You would think OUCH would be the first thing out of my mouth nope.  He started on my left leg knee down to foot and under foot.  I just lay there wondering what on earth he was doing come on for gods sake get on with it.  He kind of looked at me from under his arm and said can’t you feel this?  “Feel what I said”?  I should have been ouching and snatching back my leg but it just lay prone.  However, when he went to stick it on the other leg and asked me SHARP or DULL i shamefully have to say i nearly kicked him hard boy I felt that.  Flipping heck ouch and double ouch.

The next thing to be revealed to me was a TUNING FORK…. I looked at it thinking out wow what is he going to do with that give me a TUNE UP ba boom lol. 

Basically he tapped the fork onto the edge of the bed and said prior to that please let me know if you feel the vibrations… Well left leg from knee down and foot, toes and ankle NOTHING much on my foot and ankle zero.   Right foot i could feel the vibrations. 

So then we did other tests i believe to test my gait, and one where i had to stand with my eyes closed and I nearly fell over.  I still cant do that.   The tests seemed to last an eternity.  (See illustration below I had them all and a few added)


He told me i needed further testing as i had left sided weakness and other issues going on.  So we agreed an MRI of the brain, which i paid for at The Cobalt Centre in Cheltenham   surprisingly not massively expensive and got seen very quickly no waiting when you pay private you get seen in a few days not weeks or months.

The results of that were some degeneration top of spine some SWEDISH NODES, but also large patch of high signal foci in the deep white matter of my brain………..WOW sounds good right…………. WRONG.

The radiologist had simply seen the date of my birth 1951 and put it down to more LIKELY my age and not a demyelinating disease.

Now folks this is the truth i had no idea what was wrong with me even from the bizarre weirdness and i had deliberately kept away from Dr Google, but i did ask my Neurologist what was he looking for when i saw him for the results. He said then MS.  He also told me quite honestly it could take a long time to finally get a diagnosis as certain criteria had to be met.

One thing  I can say in the defence of my neurologist it was one of the times he was actually honest with me when he said those immortal words……….it could take a long time to get a diagnosis…..jeez literally did I know how right he was.

Ok fair enough I would see him again after the New Year I cant remember the dates, but there is a reason for that.

I got through Christmas I think ok. Mike then in the New Year had to make a trip to China and would be gone about 2 weeks.  I know I shouldn’t say this but I found his trips away BLISS, because they gave me time to recharge my batteries and chill down a bit.   Yes of course I missed him but sometimes a break is good especially as i was a miserable old bag with all this stuff going on, i think even Mike needed a break from me to be honest.

Well i was bored, not allowed to work as i was signed off.  There is only so much you can do in a day and i found the simplest things would wipe me out soon it became obvious i wasn’t going to be bored not for a long time anyway……..

Ground Hog day…… really exists……..

ground hog day

I am sure it was the 17/18th January this date seems fixed in my mind so we will go with either one for the sake of argument.   I remember my daughter Miranda rang me to tell me not to PANIC….she had a car accident coming out of the road from the riding school she worked at…..whenever anyone says don’t PANIC well hell you do. She was ok, just bashed about phew but shook up and resting, her husband Greg was looking after my grandson.

I woke up the next morning so we will go for the 18th early. I got up stiff as usual and crampy legs. Looked in the mirror and thought hell girl you look old. I used to dye my hair which had gone prematurely grey regularly but since my illness had not bothered. My hair was a mess so I decided Mirror Mirror on the wall, Zenda sure as hell was not the fairest of them all, so went off downstairs carefully to get my scissors, i was going to trim my fringe.  I remember coming back up getting my dye ready as i was going to cover that grey, and giving the hair a snip I can even remember chucking the hair into the loo.  I kind of remember a little bit of rinsing but i am not sure about that one.

Next thing I remember is sitting on my settee fully dressed and my hair done talking to my daughter and it was my time to FREAK her out…………………………………………..

Groundhog day came to me that morning in the form of an episode of what the doctor called Transient Global Amnesia. Sounds posh doesn’t it like my memory had suddenly gone off globetrotting lol.

My daughter tells me (as i cant remember most of the times I rang her up), I kept ringing her up and asking where my husband was I couldn’t find him anywhere. She would tell me he was in China then i would repeat myself over and over again just like a scene in Groundhog day, until i would suddenly put the phone down.  She said I rang 4 times saying the same thing, in between my daughter freaking out she managed to get hold of her sister and begged her to come to my house to see what was going on, as the accident she had the day before had rendered her immobile.

Well oh dear all i remember is suddenly sitting on the settee talking to her i suppose on the fifth call and my global wondering memory was coming back to me.  I felt weird i can tell you the feeling was horrible like you were so drunk you just couldn’t remember what you had said.   She told me to sit tight her sister was on her way to me. Now weirdly enough I must have remembered my daughters phone number to ring her i never really worked out why.

Slowly it was like coming out of a fog and I started to remember where I was and who I was like awakening from a long sleep maybe i was in a production of Sleeping Beauty but some how the Beauty doesn’t quite fit my profile.

The door bell rang and i got up to answer it, and there was my older daughter looking at me very anxiously.  “Mum are you ok what is going on?”  I think i just repeated what I knew.  She quickly took charge and before i knew it, I was sitting in the doctors office in front of my doctor explaining what I think had happened. He checked me over, I had a slight temperature and a normal blood pressure, he said he didn’t think it was a stroke but classic of what they call an episode of TGA and my memory would slowly come back but i would never remember what i had actually done in the approximately 2 hours I was blacked out.  Golly it was scary. He explained it was quite rare and even more rare to have another episode of it……………….errrrrrr well he got that one wrong.

See below with caption.


This is me in 2015 after another big episode of the rare TGA.  Trust me to prove my doctor wrong. I don’t remember any of that day and ended up in hospital. 

Well I spent about two weeks trying to get over my rather scary and bizarre episode of TGA. My husband had been contacted and was brought home early as the doctor didnt want me left on my own.  I slowly recovered but never got my memory back. I do know when my daughter bought me home she went upstairs to check the bathroom, and the place was spotless. I had dyed my hair and put all the empty boxes and rubbish in the bin, the towels were in the washing machine, my bed had been made and my bedroom tidied up.

Of course I had to research this phenomenon and it could have been triggered either by my daughters accident or actually hanging curtains as the day before I had hung one set up.

As the days turned into weeks and then months i felt better about it, but still could not remember much of that day.

But lots of weird things were afoot I was convinced at one point my father who had died in 1997 was haunting me as so many odd things were happening but that’s all another story for another day…………all I know is the doctor I saw that day who said it was rare to have another episode got it wrong completely trust me to be different…………….

Rare ……. that’s a laugh

If you have been following me the last blog explained my attack of TGA, and the doctor assuring me it was rare and he doubted I would ever have another attack.

Can’t remember what year or what day, but I was still driving even though I struggled to walk and my mobility was compromised I had gone into my town which is about a three minute drive away.  I came out of the supermarket and stood there like a blank lemon where was my car?  I always parked it in the same place or close to the shop.

I did panic I found my illness made me panic more now so I rang my daughter I was crying I mean really. “I cant find my car someone has stolen it”, I was convinced. She calmed me down and came straight to me and parked up. “Come on mum” are you sure you didn’t go anywhere else. I assured her I hadn’t.  Quick thinking she got my handbag and had a look inside. There was my building society book and clearly inside was a deposit I had made that exact day. Well the Building Society is a few minutes walk from the supermarket.

I had a blank look on my face so she made me stay in her car and went off to have a look around the car parks.  She came back about 10 minutes later. “Mum I found your car it was parked outside the post office with your disabled badge displayed. Well I had no memory whatsoever of going there I still don’t.

I started to have odd things happening to me where i would have no memory of doing something but it would only last a few minutes.  It was kind of scary, and I found myself writing down such things as I HAVE FED THE CATS or DOGS, I had to constantly remind myself as the animals were getting fatter and fatter. I was also over feeding the fish as i had no memory of feeding them at times.

I started having weird hallucinations with regards smell, it would be onions, or burning, I spent many a day walking around the house scared that I was going to have a fire.

My husband was concerned as he was away a lot but i had a care worker by then who kept me safe.

I have since found about MS and BRAIN FOG…..was I actually suffering from this or was it something else?

DVxkADeWAAIyDZLI always thought that brain fog in MS was more cognitive issues bit like getting old, cant remember a word or going into a room and not remembering why you went there in the first place. I mean I get all of that anyway. Also like the image I can read a sentence  and just not be able to comprehend it at all. I cant concentrate on things for long so tend to flit from one thing to the next.  Also my typing deteriorated I would write things and read them back and find words in there which had no meaning to the actually subject whatsoever.  I spent ages checking over my work, my spelling well its really not good now and thank goodness for spell check.  To me that is brain fog well my version.

What I seemed to be suffering with was more total memory loss. I would for example give someone one of my chickens, and they would comment on it one day, and I would blankly look at them as i had no memory of even talking to them, never mind giving them one of my beloved birds.

I found myself repeating things all the time, I would totally forget what I had said to someone and even that I had said it.  This was ongoing and got tiresome but well you just put up with these things don’t you.   Until the day you end up kind of waking up in hospital with a blank expression on your face.

It was 2015 I believe October.  I had gotten up as normal early Mike and I had hatched chicks and they were about 4 weeks old, so I had to attend them, clean them out and make sure they had fresh water and food.  They were so darn cute.  I remember doing some of that, then vaguely remember saying to Mike “I feel sick and my stomach felt weird I need to go and sit down”.   That was it. 

BLANK memory.


Just imagine for one minute not being able to make any new memory whilst you were having an “episode” of whatever it was… memory you just sit there like normal hell you even look normal (well as normal as possible), but you are just repeating yourself over and over again, as you don’t remember saying anything…..yep we are back to the old ground hog again………….reliving the same thing over and over again.

I just suddenly and slowly remember looking to the right of me in a hospital bed, as yes I woke up in hospital its like waking up I suppose and realising your surroundings. My daughter was sitting there my eldest you could see how worried she was. She explained what happened, then Mike came in.  He had to call  an ambulance as i was just sat on the settee complaining of feeling weird and sick and repeating myself over and over again. I have no memory of the ambulance ride, or the ambulance men, or the doctor who saw me when i got there.

I was moved upstairs to the neurological ward, and slowly my memory BEFORE the attack started to come back.  I still have no memory of the hospital. I do remember the next day talking to a very dishy neurologist who after taking my medical history decided i was suffering with Transient Epileptic Amnesia which is quite rare, yeh trust me; way too greedy by halves, not only did I finally get told in 2016 I had progressive MS but in 2015 I was given a cup of TEA…..get it……and I HATE TEA bleurgh never drink it so that’s another joke the Joker has played on me, give me the one thing i really cant stomach…….





I take a special tablet every night to ward off other attacks, but I have to say I do suffer with some weird things but then I wonder if they are down to MS brain fog, so much stuff we get is kind of similar and you never know where one thing starts and another finishes.

Sadly this disease has robbed me of some of my autobiography and I lost quite a bit of stuff from my child hood and later, although there is no rhyme or reason to what has disappeared from my brain, and actually lately I have suddenly had flash backs of things I thought I had forgotten.

I don’t think anyone can really understand how scary the episodes have been its left me anxious I know that, and I wont go out on my own unless it is just to pop my dog over the road to our local park just in case I have another attack.  2015 October was a bad month, but November 2015 until the 21st February 2016 was even worse then I could have ever imagined……………………………………

Just when you thought your life was stabilising……….fate kicks you in the stomach….and the EYES have it. 

Well where was I?  Oh yes 2015 was a very weird year for me and even now I find it difficult to recall stuff after my visit to hospital in a blank wiped out memory state.

I saw a different neurologist in the hospital who diagnosed me with TEA but he told me I needed to see my own neurologist urgently so whilst I was in there they made me an appointment I told them to do it privately as I would see him very quickly.

I had an appointment within a few days.

I saw my neurologist who had my notes and he agreed with the findings as we had been together for 10 years and obviously I had been telling him over that time of all the weird stuff I was experiencing.  Also I told him my eyes were playing me up again so whilst I was there he proceeded to test them with cards they use to test for colourblindness. If you have Optical neuritis it can dull your colour perception, I didn’t know that until it was all explained to me.  Ishihara Color Test I believe it is called. You get presented with these cards and have to say what number you can see.

colour blind testing


Well I failed somewhat I have no idea why, but my neurologist booked me for another Visual evoked response test, VEP for short.  If you have never had one of these don’t be frightened by it as really its nothing to worry about honestly.  You just sit down and have wires attached to your head with small patches. The wires record your brain’s responses as you watch a screen that displays an alternating checkerboard pattern.

The test measures the speed at which your optic nerve sends signals to your brain. If it’s damaged, they’ll move more slowly. A piece of cake the worse thing about having them done is the stuff they use to attach the patches to your head its sticky and hard to get off.



Nothing to worry about if your a Motorsport enthusiast its like watching the chequer flag go down for another win for Lewis Hamilton on the Grand Prix.

It doesn’t take long and there are no after affects just matted hair.  Now I have to go back again in time sorry folks…..but I had already had one of these in 2008 I think it was.  You see from 2007 until 2015 I like you my readers will have been through a barrage of tortuous testing. Some of you will have been lucky in some respects as your tests would have given a clear cut diagnosis of this insidious disease.

However a lot of us poor mortals would end up back and forth being forced into tiny spaces for our MRI, sitting in front of the chequer flat, having a large needle in our back, and more MRI with dye as well (don’t forget the dye) but i don’t want to dwell too much on them as I will write about the tests I went through and the results I had, but yes I had this VEP test before.

The results were wait for it………………..Slowing of the brain bilaterally. The test measured the speed at which my optic nerve was sending signals to my brain and as it was damaged they were moving more slowly.  Which indicated I had a bout of Optical Neuritis. When was that, I cant see it would have been in 2000 as Optical Neuritis usually mends itself, so it could have been anytime between then and 2007.  Who knows. 

So no more answers for me, just more tests. I was put on the tablets for my TEA and my neurologist assured me taking them I would never have another attack, and he sent for an urgent VEP to be performed.

Woopee lucky me. I had that done very quickly which was surprise as I actually didn’t pay for it I was done on the NHS, I believe it was end of November something like that. I just had to wait for the familiar white envelope with the NHS mark on the back to get the results which never came until about end of January 2016.



As you guys reading this know we spend most of our time either waiting for an appointment, OR being put in queue for our tests, then yes waiting and waiting for the results. no wonder a lot of us have high blood pressure.


Life continued after the test in November and I went to my sisters birthday party on the 17th December. It was held in a small cafe about a 30 minute drive away from me, and my care worker took me there. All my family were there including my mum, and all my other brothers and sisters. We are a large family as mum was Italian and there were six of us. The only person missing was my eldest brother who was living in Australia, sadly I would meet him way too soon.

The cafe was like a hot house yes you know what I am going to say, heat and MS do not mix do they.  I was struggling to eat my egg and spinach on gluten free bread, when suddenly the vision issues really appeared with a vengeance, they were so bad i could barely see out of my left eye I knew the signs, and sadly had to get out of there. Heat exacerbation is a bitch isn’t it?  Sadly I had to split as I felt ill and needed to go home and rest.

Oh the joys of Utoffs syndrome. Hands up all of you who suffer from it? I think for me it is one of the worse symptoms as it can come in many guises.


I will leave my story here for now as what happens after my test is still painful for me but I promise you I will continue my story in a few days.

I will leave you with a laugh for now as it was December I thought this would give you a chuckle.  I will be back in a few days.

One of the funniest things on FRIENDS.

Learning to live with Disability and the beginning of realisation life is going to change.

I will add pages and link them to my blog the one below is what we all do every day, activities of daily living.

ADL(Activities of Daily Living)


Following on from my sisters birthday party…………………..

After I had the issue with the heat induced attack of Optical Neuritis at my sisters birthday party, it was only a few more days for Christmas. Just slightly over a week. I cant for the life of me think what we did that Christmas I am sure Mike and I just wanted a quiet one but knowing my family I expect we had a few more for lunch.

What has happened over the last few years has taken away some of my memory sadly, and it is hard to recall events, BUT I remember what happened on Christmas day 2015 not because it was a happy holiday, because the events that enfolded would change Christmas for ever for myself and I believe my family.   The main player of this event was sadly my beloved mother.

Mum was going to my older sisters house for Christmas.


Mum had rung my brother up to tell him she couldnt get down the stairs and was in pain in her hip, as he only lived five minutes away he and his wife went straight away to help her. In the meantime they had already told my sister what was happening.

I am not going to dwell on the events that slowly unfolded as I still find it all incredibly difficult, and sadly after weeks of pain we lost mum on the 21st February. To say I was in emotional pain is an understatement.  I have still not gotten over her loss, maybe I will write about it one day on another blog but this is my blog about my MS Journey. Yes these events had an impact on my health as any form of stress will trigger off pseudo flares and exacerbation’s.

The kicker for me was just after my mothers death, I finally had an appointment with my neurologist. A letter had plopped onto the door mat and it was from him inviting me to make an appointment as the results of my last VEP test back in November were positive once again for slowing of the brain………………………..Oh the irony of it, the results came to me by snail mail obviously and if only the results had come before I lost mum, I could have finally told her what was ailing me all those years.   I could have finally told her, that the times I wanted to come and see her but had to cancel last minute was because I had Progressive Multiple Sclerosis which was slowly bit by bit eroding my life and abilities, much like one of those cliff edges that slowly crumble over time and you end up splat in the sea.

697af22a53d8d11567fb6cc7b7cb3d90Like the house about to fall over the cliff edge; having PPMS eventually I too will eventually tip over the edge. Mine is slowly tipping over in the form of my disability.  Since my mothers death and another horrendous event which I will talk about soon, my health has eroded so it is now precariously hanging……I am trying hard to stop it because I have the strength and genes of two wonderful people who made me strong my mum and dad.

I could have told her “mum I wanted to see you but my MS is playing up”.  Not going to see her when I had arranged it, always made me feel bad about myself and frustrated to hell as I just didn’t understand why. I do now sadly.

Life after mums death was hard; my MS had gone into a tail spin, I had lost interest in life I just couldn’t get out of the depression that was surrounding me like a black cloak.  I hated feeling this way.  I don’t know how I got through my mums funeral but I did, and I managed to respect and repay all the love she had shown me over the years by talking at her funeral even though I was supported by my daughters trying to keep me upright, I managed from deep inside of me to quote a wonderful poem… can read it here.

If you want to know more about my mum you can read the tribute I wrote for her here.

(The tribute is in a form of a tri-fold sorry it was the way I handed it out at the funeral.)

Because of the nature of her death, I had a job to do which helped me grieve and get through these dark days, my job was to make sure that no other over 90 year would be treated as badly as my mother was that fateful Christmas day 2015.   I put together a case of complaint with the help of my sister, and eventually the surgery where my mother attended was taken to task over her unnecessary and untimely and painful death. She would have been 93 on the 6th January.  A wonderful women born in Italy, I will write about her one day and link it here but not now, this is about my journey I dont want too many distractions.

Life slowly came back into balance. My label of Progressive MS made no difference to me not really, it just made it easier for other people to understand why I was who I was now.

Anyone reading this with MS knows how hard stress can affect our lives.  Probably stress could be one of the main factors which triggers off this disease.  Mine started not long after I lost my father in October 1997 so perhaps it is right.  For those with MS this is an interesting article about how to deal with it, and for those reading this because they are my friends and what to join in my journey and understand more about me and my partner MS, the link will give you a little insight into what things I have to avoid and why.

Stress and MS.

Now I finally had my label I was scheduled on a round of appointments. My first one was to see the doctor at the Pain Clinic. Yes MS sadly does give you pain.  Did you not know that?  Some doctors say it doesn’t, but it does and it really depends on what type of MS you actually have. Did you know there was more then one type of MS?

  • Relapsing-Remitting MS (RRMS). This is the most common form of multiple sclerosis. …
  • Secondary-Progressive MS (SPMS). In SPMS, symptoms worsen more steadily over time, with or without the occurrence of relapses and remissions. …
  • Primary-Progressive MS (PPMS). …
  • Progressive-Relapsing MS (PRMS).

I am blessed with PPMS.  This one is probably rarer then the first one RRMS.   It can show up later in life …. although I am not convinced as I can remember having wierd episodes way back in 1981 but one neurologist told me if it was MS then I would be more disabled….err more disabled then whom?  Every single person with MS the effects are different that is why MS is called a SNOWFLAKE disease. There you go you see if you stick with me you will all be MS experts.

Millions of snowflakes that’s usSnowflakesOnWindshield

Every person with MS will have different symptoms. Their diagnosis will come about different to another. Everyone of us our treatment will be different.

So THINK on all of you reading this who don’t have MS do not make the fundamental and errr annoying mistake of saying to someone with MS well I KNOW  Joe Bloggs who have MS and he can still go on holidays.  Good for Joe Bloggs but remember whoever you say this too may not take it well.

I have had it said to me and believe you me it really is annoying, because don’t these people actually think I would like to go on a holiday?  Don’t these people think that if I had the energy even to travel 30 minutes without it wiping me out I would be the first in the queue to do it?   Just remember there are approximately 2.5 million people in the world with MS and we are ALL different. …………………….

Where was I, sorry I do have a tendency to wonder off ……. ah yes the good old Pain Clinic……PPMS has pain oh yes. Now again we will try and tell someone I have pain I am in pain and you will usually be encountered with “oh yes me too” I have the same.  Meaningful people, wonderful people who have to encounter with something.  IF you don’t have MS and your talking about your hip or poor knee joints, or arthritis etc etc et el….yes you will have pain BUT it wont be anything like the MS pain………….. yours will be crumbling joints, dry joints, slipped joints (joints i.e. bone not the smoking kind), its a different kettle of fish. (I love that expression……….now Zenda don’t get distracted).

Mine is down to a wonky nervous system. The signals from my brain to my body are all screwed up, so my pain in essence is actually well not real but equally its horrendously painful and lasts 247 unless I am asleep.I hate nerve pain.


Sometimes I actually feel like that photo as though I am on fire.  Its horrendous. Nothing makes it better. Going back to the pain clinic my doctor told me all he can offer me is drugs they use for depression/Psych drugs which I have tried most of. He actually was quite honest with me and said all they do really is turn you into a zombie.  I decided as they don’t suit me I would go naked. I only allow myself one 2mg diazepam at night which I take when I have been woken up with a spasm. So the pain clinic for me was a bust no point really it was just a case of get on with it, like I had been doing anyway.

I find my self management as good as anything the NHS (in the UK the NHS runs our medical care) can chuck at me.

Whilst at the pain clinic I was encouraged to attend an evaluation by a special type of psychologist cant remember her exact label or name. I went with my care worker. It lasted ages and exhausted me.  The up shot of two exhausting hours was for me to attend a Mindfulness Class. Really?  I was to say the least shocked after all that talking about my MS AND how it affected me a course on Mindfulness was going to be my saviour. I was given a sheet of paper with links on it and told to go away and have a look at the classes and what they were about.

Eventually after waiting weeks i was given an appointment to attend one. The class was in the City at 2pm for 2 hours. Now I explained quite clearly to this therapist the afternoons were a NO for me as by then I was exhausted and also to attend a class which meant I needed transport was impossible as I didn’t drive. It seems the therapist as per usual just didn’t bother to listen to me.

I often wonder if they get some sort of pay back to fill these classes as really the point of them well you can now get an APP and download it and get cured without even leaving your chair.

After that appointment I gave up with doctors, and specialists, and spent the rest of my time filling in forms and writing letters of complaint about the way my mother had been treated by her Primary Care Surgery.

I just muddled on to be honest coping the best way I could and was at least pleased that our family were given an apology for the poor way my mother had been treated. It went some way for me to cope with her senseless death.

I don’t remember much of 2016 and I know Christmas was quiet as i couldn’t bear to think about it without my beloved mum being able to be part of it.

Life moved forward and I just learnt to get used to having my MS and did it my way as good old Frankie would say in his immortal song.  It worked for me.

Yes life was just well………. trying to cope with my illness and my husbands COPD and life in general until that awful and fateful day of 3rd October 2017 at 05.00 hours when my world came crashing down the cliff edge.

fallig down a cliff

I will talk about this on my next blog……………….


When Grief came knocking on my door……….

It suddenly went deathly quiet when my husband took his last breaths on earth it was surreal, I looked at him laying in the hospital bed he looked asleep but I knew he wasn’t as he was finally quiet and peaceful. I felt a sudden sense of disbelief he was gone, just gone like he never existed.   I started to cry and rant “he cant be he cant be”, I tried to shake him awake he wouldn’t wake up. I just cried by burying my face into his thin dead arm and just cried until I thought my heart would break.

It was the 3rd October 2018 at 5.00am. 

Grief swaddled me tight and wouldn’t let me go, I just wanted to be with him there right now.  How could this be happening my mind was in a turmoil thoughts racing, Mike Mike don’t leave me please I need you I love you……how could it happen, how.

Just a week prior we were so happy.  It was the weekend of the 23rd of September I remember it. Mike had woken up and as usual he was sitting in our conservatory in his chair and we started to talk about our future. We had been mulling over for a long time after he retired if we should move for our health.

He suffered with COPD, and I of course had my MS.  Both of us yearned to be near the sea. It was almost like it was calling us both. “Mike said to me that morning, what do you think about me going over to the Isle of Wight and do a reccy for places that might suit us. Can we afford it?”   “Yes of course we can” I replied.  “Will you be strong enough though hun to do the journey”, and he looked at me with those blue eyes of his and said of course he would be, he hadn’t felt so good for ages.

Well I know that is true, as well I was constantly nagging him about his hoarding and if he was really serious about us moving he would have to start chucking out some of his treasures he had saved for years otherwise we would never be able to move.  I found him one day not long after actually tidying up his bedroom cupboard I nearly collapsed with shock.  He was obviously serious then about moving.

Going back to the conversation, I agreed if he wanted too then I would book him a ferry passage and find him a nice hotel.   Whilst he was there he hoped to meet up with his son who lived there. It would be like a little holiday for him, he deserved it as recently he had a scare with his health on top of his COPD in a form of a lump in his breast. After tests it showed it was benign, phew one less thing to worry about, but worried I knew he was.

We agreed the date he would set off which was the 26th of September. He was full of it for the next few days, chatting about the IOW, the areas he should look at and I went off on Google and found some properties for him to have a look at outside.

It was time for him to leave, he was packed and ready to go to catch his ferry. Its not too long a drive to Southampton from where we live and he made good time. When he got to the ferry he rang me and we chatted a bit until he boarded.

Whilst he was away he rang me regularly with updates on areas, which I would mark down as good, bad or plain right ugly.  He met a young couple in his hotel and he told me they chatted on the Wednesday night and he was so happy animated like the Mike I used to know a funny caring Mike who could sure spin a yarn and make people smile.


I asked him if he wasn’t too tired, and he assured me he was fine, he was a bit sad as he hadn’t managed to catch up with his son, but he was busy at work, and well it was short notice so couldn’t take any time off. Still Mike wasn’t too upset as we were going to go back anyway and would make sure the next visit was more organised.  I had already found a few self catering cottages to stay and they would allow us to take our dog Lucy.

He finally arrived home on the 28th September, tired but happy.  After a bit of rest he was off to town to buy his usual beer and fags, and asked me if I wanted anything. You see he was sort of my carer too as I was limited.

I couldn’t drive or go out on my own, so having him leave me on my own was quite daunting for me to be honest.  I hadn’t been on my own for a long time now since he retired when he was 70. Mike was just always there and I knew if I needed him he would be there for me, so it was with a sense of relief when he came home I felt safe again.  I asked him for some Maltesers my very naughty and sinful treat I allowed myself now and then.

Off he went on his big black mobility scooter.   He loved that thing. You know I never would have thought in a million years I would see my husband driving one of them instead of a Hillman Imp or Mini, as Mike was an amazing driver and won many awards for Hill climbing and grass track driving.

He had no fear whatsoever.  Seeing him drive off on his scooter was a far cry from the days he was trailing his cars, although to be fair only a few months prior to this he had come FIRST IN CLASS in a competition not bad for an old man of 71.

The first image below is his very last trophy he won a tropy Piston.  This was for the last competition he did in his Corsa with my grandson Conner.  (Mike with his mini and favorite Imp).

Going back to Mike driving off on his mobility scooter I really must stop this habit of mine of going off on a tangent.

He was out for a good hour I wasn’t in the least bit worried, as Mike was a talker, and I expect he was chatting to all and sundry on his journey to the shops he was a very sociable guy, he just loved talking and the locals new him and respected him, as well. Mike was a good guy one of the best and would help anyone who needed it.

Finally he came home….and yes you got it did you, he forgot my Maltesers he was so engrossed in talking to everyone about his journey to the IOW. Oh well I forgave him they only give me a stomach ache anyway as they have gluten in them. (A bit of useless information a lot of people suffering with MS have a gluten intolerance).

Where was I, oh yes. He was back home safe from his travels.

The next day was Friday and I had an appointment at the doctors the 29th.  I heard Mike coughing in the night, but well that is normal for him. He had the worse cough most days, but still insisted on smoking, it used to drive me mad, but well what can you do, it was his body not mine.

Jade my care-worker was with me to collect me, and Mike started to come into the sitting room, we could actually hear him before we saw him, as his chest was whistling and wheezing so loud it was like an old steam train. He didn’t look special. Instinctively I took his temperature, it was up not high but up. When you have COPD you have to be careful as you can get chest infections very quickly.  As I was going to the doctors anyway when I got there I asked the receptionist if she could arrange for a doctors visit as I didn’t want Mike going out with a temperature.

When I got back from the doctors, he was still feeling a bit rough. The doctor arrived soon after I did, and checked him over, and said he couldn’t hear any congestion, but put him on steroids and a course of antibiotics just in case.  Jade went off and got them from the pharmacy and Mike started them straight away.

On Saturday he was better his temperature was normal again. I just assumed he was tired from his trip. He felt so well he went off again on his scooter to talk to his friend who owned a shop in the town and tell him all about his trip. He came home about an hour later. He did look tired, so I told him to rest.

On Sunday, he wasn’t well.  Now I know that with my MS I just deal with it, nothing much else I can do, but someone suffering with COPD is a different thing. Its quite limiting, and Mike was at the point he got breathless very easy and tired.  I would always regulate his condition, so I took his oxygen levels, his blood pressure and temperature, and bizarrely they were all low, which puzzled me.    I had never known him to have low oxygen as even though he had COPD his oxygen was always good.

I told him I felt he should see a doctor but he wouldn’t hear of it and got anxious and unusual for him, irritated with me for suggesting it. I said fair enough go and have a sleep and I will see how you are when you wake up.  Three hours later he woke up so i did the tests again and they had improved so I decided not to stress him more by talking about doctors visiting.

During the night I could hear him coughing again.

It was early about 6am  I heard him go to the bathroom. He would always pop his head around the corner when he got up to see if I needed help getting downstairs or if I needed anything. I waited for what seemed an eternity but he didn’t come in, and I strangely enough I never heard him leave the toilet which set alarm bells off.

I felt anxious and worried so I managed to get up and go and see what was happening.

Never did I expect to see him like that.

I have a fold down support bar between our shower and the toilet, and he was hanging on to it, and well he looked terrible. “Mike whats wrong hun I asked”.  He struggled to even look up at me, his blue eyes were gone they looked lifeless and his mouth was opening but nothing sensible was coming out of it. I could clearly see he was in distress and pain, and was clutching the side of his chest where he had the breast lump, I sort of heard him say PAIN, PAIN, help me..but it was like his tongue was swollen and the words were almost unintelligible.

They say when you are in a position of stress and fear your Adrenalin kicks in. I have no idea what I did but somehow I put a blanket over his shoulders and told him to stay where he was, i was getting our neighbour.

I managed to get my neighbour who was shocked when he saw Mike, we decided to leave him on the toilet with a blanket as he was simply unable to move. I finally got the ambulance and two paramedics make to attend to him.

They said it was urgent they got him to hospital. It was easier if they just got him and go, rather then wait for me to get things sorted out.

I went out with them, and when they put him the ambulance and he turned around and looked at me I knew he was in for a rough ride, his oxygen mask was filling with moisture from his breath as he struggled to get air, and his eyes were beseeching me to follow him to be with him.

I must have been so shocked as I fell right in front of the ambulance men I had forgotten for a minute I had MS and was just not thinking about my own safety it was blank gone. They helped me up and made sure I got back to the house safe. I was fine, just scraped a bit when i fell against our wall.   They told me they would get the doctor to ring me with an update then I would be able to go and see him I had one last look of Mike before the doors were shut and the blue light started to flash and they were off taking my Mike with them.

The phone call finally came, it was bad news. She said he had pneumonia with sepsis and the next 24 hours would be crucial. He was in resuscitation ward and i could go and see him. My daughter picked me up and we raced off to the hospital.

Now really what would you think if your husband was rushed to hospital, gasping for breath given 24 hours to either live or die……really what would you think?

My daughter pushed me in my wheelchair to the resuscitation unit I was dreading going through the doors to see him, probably laying down with bits of machinery coming out of his body.

I felt sick with fear.  When we got into the ward the first person we saw was Mike. Sat up in bed eating DRIED BISCUITS and having a drink.  I was so shocked if I had been standing I would have fallen down.

He even managed a cheeky smile.  I just cuddled him and hugged him with relief. He was telling us both he thought he was being pumped through with steroids and felt not too bad.

We talked and he said something odd, he told me close to my ear that he had lived the best 25 years of his life with me and he was really happy and then he said those immortal words I will never forget as long as I live……..

“Zen, I don’t want to go to the IOW to be truthful its a real DUMP lol…………………… can you start to look at Minehead?

Well I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry, that was the Mike I knew.  He was back. My immortal Mike who had been through some terrible diseases and always bounced back.

He wanted his phone and a few other bits so I told him I would go home and his son could collect them from me, and give them to him, as he was desperate to see his sons.

All went as planned and phones and bits taken to the hospital for him. Mike rang me at lunchtime, said something about it not being the right phone, not quite sure what that was about, he was ok, and his other son was coming about 7pm to see him. He told me not to go back as I would be too tired, and would prefer me to visit him in the morning.  I had no thoughts in my head I wouldn’t see him again so agreed.

I had a phone call about 7.15 I think off his son. He almost sounded relieved as when he saw his father he was fine, tired yes, but making his usual jokes. He did tell me later that when he was there he told him, he didn’t want to die, not really he wasn’t scared, but he didn’t want to die as he would miss ME too much, those words have been a comfort to me in my dark times to be honest.  I felt relief he seemed to have rallied and was looking forward to seeing him in the morning.

I had taken my MS medication and was almost asleep it was about 9.15. It was the ward Sister. I knew straight away by her voice it wasn’t good. “You need to come now she said”. Your husband is declining fast. I thought I had misheard her, she repeated herself, I just said ok put the phone down and on auto pilot rang my daughter who collected me and we were in the hospital and by his bedside very quickly.  I managed to get hold of his sister and sons who came to be with him.

He wasn’t there. He just wasn’t.  The person in the bed looked nothing like my Mike, he was in a coma and breathing was so loud and laboured every breath must have been painful.

I stayed with him all night which brings us back to 5am 3rd October 2018, when he took his last breaths and left me and the uninvited guest grief came to visit  me.

The fall out from his death was like an atomic bomb going off.

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